Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I’ll be mad as hell!
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*