Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
You Might Also Like
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.