Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉