i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
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It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!