OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*has no idea what a book even is*
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.