Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys