Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
A new level of troll.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“Great, now I have to pee.”