@bridger_w

Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.

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@StarWarsProblms

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

@TheAlexNevil

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

@DearAuntAbby

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

@ElKnuckelhombre

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

@clichedout

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

@urmumsausername

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

@serhawke

Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese