TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.