occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.