occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.


Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies


How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?


I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.


If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.


The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.


My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.


Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.

Me: Really? Aren’t you married?


“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk