Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever.
Me: Really? Aren’t you married?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk