occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

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You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.


[one month later]
Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?


[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway


Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.


[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.


I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away


If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours

Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..

*pizza stays

*happy tears


[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho


All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.