[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.