ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.