Oceanography is all about current events
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.