[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Nice try, poison.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.