@_blotty

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

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@AcademicsSay

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

@SortaBad

“Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?”
Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not

@drayzze

16: “What was the internet like in the old days?”

Me:
*opens door*
*pushes 16 outside*
*locks door*

@ocourtneyno

When you accidentally type “me” instead of “my” I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.

@PureDad

Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!

@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

@rolldiggity

“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood

@Shingaboop

Coworker: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee

Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee

Me: Exactly

@ohen39

wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

@MelvinofYork

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence