Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
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Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.