I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van