@aparnapkin

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

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@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@RickAaron

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

@Midgetspar

When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

@TheHyyyype

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

@briancthayer

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

@TheBoydP

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

@POTerritory

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.