me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.