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I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”