@Dank_Pal

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

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@jeffporper

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

@Breadery

My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@ArfMeasures

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

@TedOfficialPage

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

@bourgeoisalien

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

@SteveEllum

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.