Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD