An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
– Do you want some?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.