Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born