October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Never be a pizza!
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Best table by far
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?