octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling