Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”
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[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer
BARTENDER: What brand?
CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before
DATING TIP: Girls like bad boys! Brag about your Twitter gang.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.
Me: I’m happy right now. Life: Lol one sec
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.