Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
my sentiments exactly
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho