@d_duhwit

Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”

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@KKBowls

Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag

@internetluke

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

@Home_Halfway

[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before

@FatherWithTwins

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

@junejuly12

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.