Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.