* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?