Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
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friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target