everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Going into Monday like
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
As the Lord intended
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.