@SteveSuckington

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

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@StellaGMaddox

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

@DanMentos

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

@Fazio_N

“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”

@Coastiefish

My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.

I call it “No air conditioning”.

@Ilikerockme

Sometimes I pluck out a random hair so they know none of them are really safe.

@CaptPinkbeard

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

@Arbitral

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

@Sickayduh

“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”

@KatieBurnett

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

@Urfavgoodboy

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.