I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“What aisle has the milk?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.
I call it “No air conditioning”.
Sometimes I pluck out a random hair so they know none of them are really safe.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.