octopus: [gun in each hand]

feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy

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[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no


When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.


*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?


C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.


Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?


You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.


me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine


It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.


i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down