octopus: [gun in each hand]

feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy

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I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience


“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer


[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right


Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”


[Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I’m Sus… wait… is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!


With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!


*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*


I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.