Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.