@tweetsbyrocket

octopus: [gun in each hand]

feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

@fightgeek

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

@JohnLyonTweets

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

@AmishPornStar1

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@AbbyHasIssues

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

@MarfSalvador

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

@thekwonk

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

@jonnysun

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down