@tweetsbyrocket

octopus: [gun in each hand]

feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy

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@SexySpainNights

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

@Jake_Vig

“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer

@FredTaming

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@ilovepie84

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

@drinksmcgee

[Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I’m Sus… wait… is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!

@cuppajosh

With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!

@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.