9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
#winning
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see