Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
getting groceries
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.