gfs dad: so what do you do for a living
me: human trafficking
gf: he’s a crossing guard dad
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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you have three unread messages
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.