@stevevsninjas

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

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@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

@mstluvstrinkets

People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.

@baronvonbike

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@CircIeKay

First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth

@oldfriend99

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

@Subtle_Red

You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.