Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.
Stick it to the man