Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

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[dinner table]
gfs dad: so what do you do for a living

me: human trafficking

*he chokes*

gf: he’s a crossing guard dad


[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!


Cat: Tomato Tomahto


some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil


If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?


“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing


We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.


Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.