[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Some people were born into their job.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.