OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”
11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time