@Brampersandon_
OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
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@Book_Krazy
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
@AngelaEhh
Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.
@Darlainky
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
@Six_Pack_Mom
Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”
11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”
@DiamondGirl127
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please
@AmishPornStar1
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
@RainbowJohnJ
Always a housemaid, never a house.
@SgtButtCheeks
I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time