OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*

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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?


Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”


Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.


Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*


Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please


The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.


I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time