these two trucks have the same bed length
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas