guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”