My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.