Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
How did we not see this back then?
Breaking news:
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER