#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’m too immature for adultery.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
no
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away