It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
#oldknees
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times