odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

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date: im really into old movies

me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago


*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*


Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.


Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.

Ok, just me?


I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit


I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too


Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.


Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.


Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.