@mister_blank

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

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@heybuddy_comic

date: im really into old movies

me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago

@Lovestained555

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

@KaptainKoRnie

Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.

Ok, just me?

@1MeLrO

I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit

@jake_lach

I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too

@eddiesteadyno

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@vikkaroni

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@myonlymizztake

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.