date: im really into old movies
me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
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*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.
Ok, just me?
I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables
They taste like shit
I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.