OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
jesus, what did this guy do
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.