@50FirstTates

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

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@Fred_Delicious

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

@ianpauldukes

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

@WheelTod

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

@phaggots

“911, please help im dying”
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad

@mommy_cusses

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

@KentWGraham

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

@MomOnFire

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.