Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal
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I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I’m just grateful that I don’t have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that.