PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I don’t know what to do
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.