I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits