I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal
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Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you’re dead.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Friends are like trampolines. I’ve always wanted a trampoline.
There’s no attraction quite as strong as tomato sauce & a white shirt
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.