Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.

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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.


[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children


The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done


Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it…after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course


Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.


DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.


Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*


What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?


Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.