@LittleMissAngr1

Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.

You Might Also Like

@Dutch_50

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

@80sjams

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

@LoveNLunchmeat

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

@froghammer

Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me

@thegayfarmerguy

Doc: You have gallstones
Me: Ugh.
Doc: You can control it with diet.
Me: Great!
Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods…
Me: Take it out.

@slimerobots

woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep

@stephenjmolloy

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

@ch000ch

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

@Snarfernini

I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.