Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.

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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.


*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!


Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.


Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me


Doc: You have gallstones
Me: Ugh.
Doc: You can control it with diet.
Me: Great!
Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods…
Me: Take it out.


woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep


“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.


I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*


I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.