*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind