“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.