If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
You Might Also Like
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?