@Jason_maybe

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

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@WritePlay

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

@crylenol

VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what

@sgrstk

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

@Lhlodder

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

@robfee

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

@slyoung5

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

@KyleSmells

does anyone know what happens when your mom gets to 3? like has anyone ever been stupid enough to ignore her after counting to 2 1/2 and survived to tell the tale??

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer