her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.