Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
The real reason evolution started..😂
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.