@WilliamAder

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that đŸ˜‰

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

@pleatedjeans

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

@Kim_pulsive

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

@ellle_em

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

@Donna_McCoy

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

@Brampersandon_

OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*

@leechee420

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

@Cheeseboy22

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

@mexicanmaal

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

@thejodiest

Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.