Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m being attacked 😭
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone