“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Canada’s weather be like
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off