Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
People buying plungers never look happy.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?