Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.