Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
he chose this
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.