Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too